The Color of Depression
by HeroismInACan
Summary: "He should have known better. He shouldn't have been so damn stupid. He was a hoodlum, a thief, so who in their right mind would ever think a queen would fall for the likes of him?" Post-game. Alternate ending. In-Progress.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** I didn't mean to start a new story, especially not since I have a monster titled _Battle Born_ taking over my life, but here we are! I recently, and by that I mean a few month's ago now, got Final Fantasy IX for my PS4. I grew up playing it on my PS2, and I still have my original copy that I will never part with, but I got inspired while replaying the game. Zidane is my favorite character right after Vivi, and Zidane and Garnet are my OTP from the game, so I couldn't resist trying my hand at some good ol' story time with the heroes! I have no idea how long this is going to be, but I'm going to safely assume that it'll be like that _FFXV_ story I wrote-three chapters and pretty short. Only time will tell where this story goes from here, so I hope y'all enjoy the ride!

The title is a song from the NieR: Automata soundtrack. I thought it fit pretty well with the tone I wanted.

* * *

Chapter 1

* * *

Slamming the empty glass down on the table, Zidane grumbled under his breath as his tail swished behind him in agitation.

He should have known better. He shouldn't have been so damn stupid. He was a hoodlum, a thief, so who in their right mind would ever think a _queen_ would fall for the likes of him?

Shaking his head, the blond rose from the table and meandered out of the tavern, hands shoved into the pockets of his blue trousers. He wandered the streets of Alexandria with no destination in mind, but as he walked, he realized where his footsteps were taking him—the castle.

Of course. Even his heart knew what the right choice here was. He had to see her. He couldn't chicken out, not now, not after _everything_ they'd been through. For god's sake, he'd leapt off the tallest point of the castle to save her, knowing that if he hadn't had such impeccable timing and quick reflexes, the woman he loved would've died. He'd traversed foreign continents for her. He'd gone up against monsters worse than any nightmare for her. And in the end, he'd fallen for her as more than just a pretty face and the next fling, like was so often the case for him.

Stopping just before the moat that surrounded Alexandria castle, Zidane released a long sigh, eyes darting to the clear surface of the water. The reflection of the castle quivered on the surface, a mocking sight if he'd ever seen one, but he had made up his mind.

He couldn't stay here.

Since his return, something didn't quite feel right. He had wanted for nothing more than to see her again, to show her that he was alive and safe and here _for her_ , but he couldn't bring himself to do it no matter how often he stood at the water's edge and stared at the one place he knew he would never belong.

The gondolier always asked if he wanted a ride, but the answer was the same each time—no.

Today was no different as the blonde woman, one of the castle guards, steering the boat pulled it into place, staring at the tailed man with expectant eyes shining just under the bill of her helmet.

He shook his head and she nodded, maintaining her position as she waited for someone else to need a ride.

Another castle guard walked up not even a minute later, followed by a Knight of Pluto, and clambered into the boat without so much as a side glance at Zidane. Not that the tailed young man was complaining. He was worried one of the guards would notice him anyway, so being ignored was a blessing.

"Hey, Barbara, Weimar." The gondolier smiled, nodding at her passengers as she addressed them.

The female guard waved, returning a smile of her own. "Hey, Cindy."

The knight simply nodded politely.

"How're you guys doing?"

The couple shrugged in unison, but Barbara was the one to answer. "Same old, really. Just getting back from lunch break."

Cindy sighed heavily, the oar in her hands slacking as her shoulders slumped. "I wish _I_ could go on lunch break. I haven't eaten anything _all_ day."

"Didn't you eat breakfast?" Weimar frowned at her.

She shook her head, blonde hair falling over one shoulder from the action and her slouched posture. "I woke up late and didn't have time."

Barbara offered a sound of sympathy, a soft hum, as she frowned at her fellow guard. "If I had known, I coulda bought something from town for you."

Cindy straightened her back and pushed her hair back over her shoulder, using the oar to finally start pushing the boat from the stone dock. "It's okay."

Zidane almost envied them. The simple conversation and simple problems for people who held normal lives, for people who didn't have to deal with the turmoil he had found himself trapped in. To say he was a different man after the events he'd endured would be an understatement, for sure, and the idea of having a normal life was nothing but a delusion to try and make himself feel better.

The blond turned away then, meandering off and leaving the castle, and the useless chatter, behind him. He had a destination in mind now, a place where he could take his mind off his troubles and put the past behind him, or at least mull over his thoughts by getting hammered and playing cards.

Garnet was better off without him. It'd been a year since they'd last saw one another, so he was sure that in that time span she had moved on. Perhaps she had even found someone else. He wasn't anything special anyway, just a monkey, a lady's man and a skirt chaser, a ne'er-do-well who had nothing going for him, nothing to offer, especially not to a queen.

He _could_ always return to Tantalus, his home before he knew where his _real_ home was, but he didn't feel the need to return there right away. Something about being alone, being left to one's own devices, was comforting in a sad way, so he sought refuge elsewhere.

Refuge in a city that never slept, that no matter the amount of people who flooded the streets during the perpetual night, one could always count on feeling truly alone in a crowd.

 _To Treno it is_.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

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"Hah! I win! Now gimme that Cactuar, eh?"

"Aw, no, that's my _only_ good card!"

"Shouldn't have lost then, huh?" Zidane leaned over the table, gloved hand held out and waiting.

His opponent, a scrawny kid with a mop of dark hair, relented with a heavy sigh. The frown on the young man's face deep enough to leave a permanent mark.

Once the prize was in hand, Zidane pulled back and slid the new addition into his deck, standing from the table with a soft smile. He felt for the kid, he really did, but that didn't mean his victory was any less sweet. "Hey, it ain't so bad, really. It's just the way of the game. Do you know how many times I've lost good cards too? Just hang in there, all right? Someday you'll get better, and perhaps even someday you'll win this one back."

"I just didn't want to lose on my first round at my first tournament." The kid sighed again, pushing his cards together into one neat pile and putting them away. He looked up at the blond, startled to see the other smiling at him almost fondly.

"Trust me, I know how bad it sucks. My first tournament here was a joke. I didn't have _any_ good cards on me, and let's just say I didn't make it past the preliminary rounds." Zidane laughed, pocketing his own deck and moving around the table. "Stay in good spirits and you'll win champion one day. I'm sure of it."

"Thanks." The kid bobbed his head, shuffling off to spectate the remainder of the event as Zidane moved to see who he'd be playing next.

He hadn't known the Tetra Master Card Tournament was happening when he'd made the hurried decision to visit the nighttime city. He'd wanted to escape, but now he could escape _and_ enjoy one of his favorite pastimes while he was at it. It was a win-win.

The remainder of the tournament continued with Zidane climbing the ranks to champion, but when he came up against his last opponent right before the final, he choked and lost that newly acquired Cactuar card. He let out a frustrated grumble, hands flying to his head in exasperation as he stared at his opponent's side of the field with a frown. "I guess that's what I get for being cocky. Karma can sure be a bitch, eh?"

"Ya played good though. Made it far before ya fell, but gettin' cocky ain't gonna make ya champ." The man he had faced against grumbled a laugh, the large smile on his face friendly. He was a stocky gentleman, dressed like a commoner instead of one of nobles that frequented Treno.

Zidane didn't like the nobles. They were, mostly without fail, snooty pricks who looked down on anyone they deemed less than them. It irritated the blond, and only reminded him, again, of his current predicament—being hopelessly in love with a _queen_.

The young man laughed too, that previous frustration morphing into an exhausted smile. "Yeah, you're right. Well, good luck with the champion."

"Thanks." The man stood, folding his cards into a pile and departing.

Zidane took his sweet time, releasing another heavy breath as he stacked his deck and pocketed it. He didn't plan on staying for the champion round, so he made his way to the door only to stop at the sight of two familiar faces: a red coat paired with an elongated muzzle and a shorter head topped with a drooping, pointed hat.

What the hell were Freya and Vivi doing in _Treno_?

The blond didn't want to find out. He was here to collect his thoughts, not entertain company.

Quickly, he darted behind a plump gentleman with a massive styled mustache taking up roughly half his face. He huffed at Zidane's erratic behavior, giving the young man a pointed look but earning only a shrug in response before the blond flitted away again.

Did they somehow know he was back? Was he spotted in Alexandria and then followed to Treno? He wouldn't be surprised. The security at Alexandria _could_ be lax but given all the things that happened he doubted the guards were as lazy as they used to be. For Zidane _not_ to have been spotted, and recognized, while he stood on the dock and stared longingly at the castle or sat in the same tavern in the same seat every night drinking himself into a stupor would've been the real surprise.

Curiosity getting the better of him, the young man danced around the stadium until he was adequately hidden yet within close enough proximity to hear what the two familiar faces were saying.

". . . Dunno. I wish I _had_ known though so I could have come prepared." Freya frowned, one long, clawed hand rising to rest at her chin.

"I was never very good at Tetra Master. The rules were always, uhm, confusing." Vivi shook his head, then reached up and grabbed the brim of his hat, pulling the sides downward and making adjustments.

"It takes a lot of practice. I'm not too good myself, but it's still fun. Perhaps you and I should play some friendly matches. Get better acquainted before we risk losing our better cards."

"Yeah. That sounds like a good idea." The black mage bobbed his head, then looked around the stadium. "Do you really think he's here, Freya?"

"I _know_ he's here."

"You sound so certain."

"Because I know Zidane. He talks a big talk about sticking together and doing things as a team, but he _always_ tries to go off on his own. He thinks he has to deal with whatever it is alone or that he's doing what's best for _everyone_." Freya balled her hands into fists and turned to face her shorter companion, the little mage staring up at her with wide, yellow eyes. "The only place close enough for him to run away to is Treno, and besides, he's always been drawn to drinking, cards, and women even if he isn't as big a player as he pretends to be. What better place than here?"

Vivi shrugged. "You got a point. Uhm. I don't see him though. Do you think he . . ."

But Zidane was too far away now, slipping behind them and through the entrance of the building. He began his short trek back to his motel room, a shady joint on the bad side of town where the room was cheap enough and the drinks at the bar below were better after you drank three in a row.

He was tired suddenly. Seeing his old comrades stirred unwanted emotions he had been trying to suppress. He just wanted a break to clear his thoughts, but now even here wasn't safe.

He'd have to face the music sooner or later, but he'd rather it be later.

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

I guess it's only appropriate that I finally update this story exactly a year after I first posted it haha What are the odds that I get the urge to work on this again and can finally update on the exact day I first posted it? Anyway, I actually had this chapter written out for a long while now, but for some reason lost momentary interest in it. I only have one chapter left, which is already partially written, so hopefully I won't wait another year to post on December 19, 2019 haha


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